About Me

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Utica, New York, United States
I am a woman who fought for peoples rights, and now my illness has taken over.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010


Connecting with long lost friends is something that I have made a point to be doing lately.  I have been battling infections left and right.. but nothing is occuring because of them.. this is frustraiting to me.  My joints are feeling awful.. and am back to not knowing what is going to occur...

My sister had to put her dog down, which was sad, but she needed it.. she was old and beyond help, and of course didnt understand why things were the way they were.  Of course I realized that even when you understand what is going on it often doesnt make things better. 

I found out a dear friend of years ago has cancer.  She was a dynamic woman who didnt let anything stop her, now cancer will. 

It is frustraiting to be in this "inbetween" stage of life.  I live every day, but am not sure why.  I think that frustratation is something that you learn to live with, but it doesnt make it any easier to deal with... I am rambling in my own head, and obviously on paper here. 

death, pain, illness seems to be the thing of the month in June...

My fathers anniversery was June 21.. I thought about him all day.. we buried him on June 25 my parents anniversary...

To think that I will see them again relatively soon is giving me peace.  I miss them terribly .. and I miss the love they had for all those around them.. amazing people... and amazing abilities to love is something I find lost on todays society.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

I did it my way... and GOD this song is me...

I have regrets about things that have occured.  I will say this.. I always did it my way just like my father did.  I made a lot of mistakes and I wish to God I had not... but and a bigggg but... no one ever told me how to live my life.. and everything I did.. I did to make someones life better !!!!

SO between Keith V. Strong, My father... this song is so for you.. His anniversary is June 21... and we buried you on June 25... DAD I did it my way just like you said

My Way lyrics

Songwriters: Revaux, Jacques; Anka, Paul (Eng Lyr); Thibaut, Gilles; Francois, Claude;

And now the end is near

And so I face the final curtain

My friend I'll say it clear

I'll state my case of which I'm certain

I've lived a life that's full

I traveled each and every highway

And more, much more than this

I did it my way

Regrets I've had a few

But then again too few to mention

I did what I had to do

And saw it through without exemption

I planned each charted course

Each careful step along the byway

And more, much more than this

I did it my way

Yes there were times I'm sure you knew

When I bit off more than I could chew

But through it all when there was doubt

I ate it up and spit it out, I faced it all

And I stood tall and did it my way

I've loved, I've laughed and cried

I've had my fill, my share of losing

And now as tears subside

I find it all so amusing

To think I did all that

And may I say not in a shy way

Oh no, oh no, not me

I did it my way

For what is a man what has he got

If not himself then he has not

To say the things he truly feels

And not the words of one who kneels

The record shows I took the blows

And did it my way

Yes it was my way

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

I have another infection

I never know if these will resolve themselves on their own...... or this will be the one that gets me...... so the idea was to keep living until I cant........

I am begining to write letters to all the people that I love.. that I dont really talk to anymore.. You know the ones you lose touch with.........

I am putting them in my drafts.. and the day I go into the hospital I will send them... Mostly they are people I need to thank for all they have done for me throughout the years.  Many of them are people I love and respect... and have huge character....... I am crying as I write them....... I am sad.. not because of what may be coming.. but that it is coming so soon.  I really had every intention of living the summer...... and being able to do all the things I love to do........but that may or may not happen..... I am also begining to pack things up in my apartment.. so whoever comes to clean out my things will not have so much to do........

I am spending every waking moment in the sun since I love it so much...... it feels so good and helps to alleviate some of the pain........

I still dont know what I am going to do with Missy...... she is a great dog.. and I am hoping someone takes her....... she is my only regret........ I will miss her terribly and I know she will miss me..........something I really cant think about... My shepherds found a great new home.... and I am sure she will too.....

It rained today and my mood is showing it....... tomorrow will be sunny again.... that is a great thing :D

I wrote 5 letters tonight.. will try and write a few every night....... I met with the funeral Home last week...... Nancy Eannace.. is a wonderful woman.  She spent a few hours with me..... and made me think.

Friday, May 28, 2010

The infection went away..

It went away.. obviously not my time.. I got my power of attny in the mail.  I am very pleased about that. Things are all set.

I am going to clean a house today.. and hopefully get some more sun.. which has been a wonderful thing.  I played with some kids in the city with a hose yesterday.. it has been so hot.. it felt good.

I am very pleased........

I havent heard from Mark/ Mike all week.. that bothers me a little.. but who knows.. the angry part of me wants to say ..(*&*&(&% it.. and just stop picking up the phone..when they eventually call next week.   I have a vindicitve side that I really despise... so I will fight that urge.. because it is just mean and not worth it

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

woke up with a small infection today

Not sure how that is going to go.. sometimes they are small and go away on their own.. sometimes they go large.. .we will see where this one goes.. if it goes large.. I have about 1 week before I start to get very sick.. if it stays small...  I will be able to share more of what I want to share with everyone.  I may need to kick up blogging a certain level

While planning my funeral .. some amazing things came out

I met with Nancy... from the funeral Home... This was to plan my funeral, so my family will not have to do it.  I am not a huge believer in funerals.  The family the friends standing their crying..or laughing depending on the case .... I just have to take a minute  here to stop and say.. what a kind wonderful woman... Talk about listening to peoples stories- she does this every day.  I was able to sit with her.. and it was over 2 hours.  I have never felt more narcissistic in my life.  She is an amazing caring wonderful strong woman.. I have seen her funerals.  She directs a funeral like a beautifully orchestraited show.  She is amazing in every way. I am sure there things that she does wrong.. dont we all... but this lady is just something.  Her warmth, and kindness just oozes out of her.  The level of respect is something that I almost cannot describe. 

We talked about people who have influenced me in my life.. One director of a very very large agency  is a well like man.  Lou T..   Lou... is a high energy.. high profile.. brilliant businessman.. and a phenominal person on all levels.  I said he taught me so many things... she asked what?.. I laughed and said he told me to shut up LOL

I was in the middle of a political mess, I think I liked to hear my own voice as much as I liked to listen at that point in my life.  I was in his office almost in tears going what do I do?.. He said shut up... Listen more... listen to the motivation behind what people are saying.. not just what they say.  SHUT up  you talk to much.. It was a hard lesson.. but I did ... and I repspected him so much for being like that to me.  He thought 20 steps ahead of where he was... he was just phenominal on every level. 

He was always good to me... He was a champion for all that could not defend themselves... He was strength, and kindness and a very wonderful man.

From most people I can find some wonderful warm quality that makes me love them.. something I learned that was good for the world...

Equal to any other person in my life... Lou T.. tought me probably the most... Shut up... what a wonderful lesson to be.. and those words ( even if not appropriate always- when ever I hear them)... makes me silently smile.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

It has been an interesting weekend.

I went and had dinner with my sister.. took a short walk.. and had a very nice time.  I saw my doctor on Friday.. he gave me some neurotin.. and it has helped with my leg pain very much.  Not sure how it is going to do with migraines.. but at least leg pain is better.

I talked with a friend from Conneticut... who knows me extremely well.. I was telling him of what is going on.. he was extremely supportive...

I called Mike D last night and tonight.. and harrassed the hell out of him.. I said you can be as mean and rude as you want.. and I am still here... so give it your best... I am still going to harrass you... Thats what friends are for... He said.. We are friends? I said absolutey and you dont have a choice... He said it takes two.. I said noooooooo not at all.. I have enough love to go around...

I thought about going to church in Am.. but do not want to go back to Catholic Church.... I am not happy with my priest.. or deacon right now.. and have been away for a while..I thought about going to the church that my doctor goes to.. because he is so wonderful.. I assume it might be a good place to go.

I am not sure where I am at with God right now.. I am not angry.. but so wonder why my life has gone this way.. and why I am ment to be alone.. but at the same time.. I may be living my life by the way friends are on TV.  I dont have this huge circle of friends... but the few I do have are really nice people.

It makes me wonder if friendships are supposed to be like those on TV... My friends are all very different......... and I found out that many of them were part of my position... now that I dont have that position anymore....... I have Mike J, Mike D, Mark N.. Mark H... Kelly... my sister... Melissa... Mary Frances... Terrill..Howie..... they all run in different circles... but they are all good people and all wonderful to me on so many levels.  Maybe I have more than most.. maybe I have less....... but right now I feel very alone.. and very ............ detached from who I am supposed to be........Each one of my friends has a superior quality.. but the ones I miss....... damn.. I miss them are Calvin, Denise..

They both died last year from cancer... after long debilitating illnesses.. and part of me is jealous.. their crap is over.. and the rest of us are left here to deal with all the crap this world has to offer... all the pain and sadness...

I miss the times we went to fairs... and shows.. and shopping.. and lunch and dinner and breakfast..
I miss the hugs.. the calls.. the people who are right there...........I miss them all greatly.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Mike D.. am concerned about him...

Today was  good day.. I didnt feel well.. but had time to spend with those I care about.  I see Dr Toby tomorrow.. that will be an interesting conversation.  I am worried about a friend of mine.. Mike D... He seems angry and upset.. and I am not sure why.. I will be checking on him frequently.. to see how he is doing.. but I am very concerned.. He is a very giving young man who works with vets.. and I respect him so much.. and I dont know if he realizes how amazing he is.  I am worried.. that weighs heavy on my heart...I hate to see good people hurting.. I hope he finds peace.. because he is one of my favorite veterans........ and he is an amazing special person who faced horrors in war.. and he carrys that with him...

Other than that.. really felt icky.. but that is nothing new.. my leg pain is driving me bezzzeerk today.. and my headaches are horrific...

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

ANGER the fence story

The old story that I don't know how many times my mother told me.. .

There was a 14 year old boy who said awful nasty things to everyone.  He was angry and took it out on everyone that he met.  One day his father had had enough.. He said every time you say something angry.. I want you to take a hammer and nail and go pound it into the fence.  The kid thought this was completely stupid.. however anger was one thing.. not doing as his father said was another. 

The first day there were 15 nails in that fence.. The second day the same. in fact over the next couple of years there were hundreds of big roofing nails in that fence.  On his 16th birthday he was about sick of nailing nails into that fence.  He said dad.. if I can keep my mouth in check can I please stop.  The father said sort of.  Every time you hold your tongue.. I want you to go take those nails out of that fence.  After a few weeks of doing this.. and putting the used up nails in a bucket hanging on that fence... The boy found it was easier to keep his mouth closed.. and not suffer the ramifications of that fence.  He was a good sport and did it. One day the father called him out to that fence.. and said Lets take the rest of these nails out of this fence together.  So they proceeded to put nail by nail in the bucket.  When it was all said and done.. the father put his arm around the boy and said.. that fence is a mess.  The boy agreed... That was all that was ever said about that fence.. until his 18th birthday... and dad said lets go chat out by the fence...

You are man now... but if you remember nothing else that I have ever told you..

Never forget.. Every nail you put into someone by the mean things you say.. can be taken back..just as we did when we took out those nails..  but the hole that you created although it will get smaller.as you can see they have... . will be there forever and weakened the fence.. and allowed bugs and mold to grow in it.

take a mental picture of those holes... and you will forever hold your tongue like a man should.  NO harm was ever done by listening, but every snide comment, every sarcasm, every mean word.. leaves marks that you cannot see. 

To all the soldiers who have shared their stories with me

I was so honored that you shared your story with me.

I felt the trust, and the pain that you shared brought me to tears.

I hate hearing of how things were done that you cannot reconcile in your own mind.

But I love the fact you told me.
I hate hearing how you looked into that mans eyes, and didn’t speak the same language, but had to stab him and watch the life drain from his eyes, and now you see that in every dream.

The sounds, the smells that you describe I hear and smell in my sleep. I cannot imagine how you must have felt. The fear went away after a while. It didn’t matter if you lived or died, you expected to die.. and once you gained that perspective, you said it got easier…

You miss the brotherhood of the military. Putting your life in someone’s hands, while they put theirs in yours.

That brotherhood does not exist in today’s society according to you. And you miss it.

No one can understand what you did, because you morphed into a different person over there, so you don’t talk about it… but you did with me… and I was so honored.. Serving our country cost you your sense of well being, yet the honor you have still soars through your veins.. I see it in every movement you make.

You came home and drank too much.. said too much.. and got it shot back in your face… so you isolate.. you control your environment.. you feel as though there is no end to the pain you face. I hear you..

That million dollar question.. of did you kill someone.. is the most insane question to ask a soldier… What does that say of society today?.. What does it mean when you go there to keep peach and help.. and the only thing we are concerned about is did you take a life?..

It doesn’t matter the war.. the statements are all the same. The attitudes are even similar.. The pain from the 1940s through the 70s into the 90s and now in 2010.. it is written all over your face. The children you buried.. The faces you had to see.. The mothers and sisters who cried.. the friends you lost… The people you killed…

All I see is a man with a conscience, who cannot believe what he did in the name of war. The sniper who fought so his son would not have to.. cried the day he sent his son off to war… I see your pain.. and I hope you see our love and respect… I hope you see how the sacrifices you have made have NOT been made in vain… You are a hero.. by every standard by every deed.. You make a difference.. even today.. Telling us your story.. may be the only way we will ever see that going to war is not an answer. Don’t hide from us.. tell your story… whatever happened I am proud to have known you.. and proud to say you have become my friend.

finding it important

To tell everyone who ever ment anything to me... how much I thought of them.. loved them or cared about them...that is my goal up until the end

Dr. T

He said he would treat me... I feel so much better .Thank God

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

I let him off the hook

I resigned from my doctor today. He is such a great man on so many levels.  He is an incredible person.  He is Christian.. and a God fearing soul who doesnt preach, but does live what he believes.  He is gentle and kind, and compassionate.  He has been there for me on so many levels. 

I asked him to put me on pain control, and hospice when it becomes necessary.. He said he had to think about it.  I know him well enough to know that he desperately wants to help people.  He doesnt believe in someone so young giving up.. I just cant continue to go on like this. 

So I let him off the hook. I resigned.  I cant make anyone suffer for my choices.  If someone cannot stand by me.. then I have to NOT be selfish.   I cannot ask them to do what they morally cannot do. 

He is a champion of his patients... and that is a wonderful thing.. My road has been long and hard... he has been with me through the brunt of it... and I pray he knows this is not out of anger.. but out of respect for him... and his beliefs.

Hear every persons story

I called an old professor of mine today.  Before all of this goes too far I wanted to sit down and chat with him.  There have been a lot of people that gave me the knowledge and strength to do what I did for homeless, and hungry people, but one of the most influential people that I ever learned from is Dan.  I became "friends" with Dan after I graduated.  He got married has a couple of beautiful children, and I learned so much from this man.  It was my first Jewish wedding and it was sooo incredibly beautiful.

 I have not talked with Dan in a long time, but all I learned from him has helped the thousands  of people in the agency I ran. 

Open your mind, you are not always right, and your beliefs are not that of the people you are necessarily working with.  Do not push your beliefs on others.  Live what you believe.. and if they choose to follow they will have the success.  Help the person but do not lead them.  If they make the decision to do something better for their life.. let them take ownership of it. 

It is not about you.. it is about them.  You are a facilitator in change.. a catalyst.. .Not the person making the change.  He opened my eyes so much I can barely remember what I thought prior to him. 

I have seen therapists, counselors, social workers, case managers bully people and demand, and force change.  It never lasts.  It is almost like they were afraid to educate the people they were working with.  The worker had to keep some knowledge for themselves so they could feel superior to those they were working with.  I can honestly say I was never that way. 

I wanted to educate every client I had in every way possible.  I wanted them to know some basic conflict resolution, as much as they were willing to learn.  I wanted them to know how to sell themselves on a job interview.  I wanted to help them realize that possibilities were endless.  I wanted people to know that how you talk to someone is exactly what you are going to get back from that person.  For example.. try arguing with someone who is saying nothing.  You cant.  It is impossible to have an argument if one of the people is silent.  You cannot win or lose the argument that way.  I wanted them to know how to deescalate any situation they are in. 

Another huge influence in my life was Terrill... One of the most important things she ever taught me was the first person in an argument to raise their voice naturally loses the argument.  When someone can push your buttons you essentially allow them to make you their puppet. 

This also worked well when I was selling radio... there are so many things we can learn from sales people... that apply to life.  In sales anger, frustration are opportunities.  Give the person time to vent, and listen to their story.. you all of of a sudden have a wealth of information into their lives, and attitudes, this gives you a look into what you can offer them to solve their problem.

In the food bank I ran, the biggest goal was to hear each and every persons story.  The greatest thing I learned from my mother was EVERY person has a story, and every persons story deserves to be told, and every persons story is important... and as a human being you are charged with listening to the stories of those around you, and doing what you can to make their life better.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Well it has sunk in

It seems as though the great universe agrees with my decision to be done with all of this.  With no insurance I cant get my insulin.  Without insulin there is really no hope for me.  A type 2 diabetic that doesnt have insulin doesnt stand much of a chance.  I feel oddly sad... I called my therapist, and told him that I am not going to have any more insurance, so I couldnt see him.  I wrote to my Doctor and told him that I am not going to have any more insurance... and I told my sister.. she sounded extremely sad.  This is good in 1 way.. but I had decided to keep taking my insulin until I did get another infection.. which now is not possible.  That truely sucks ... I want to continue being a good little diabetic,... yet... am being told nope.  I looked into healthy NY and it was over 300 I cant afford that.. plus the copays.. money just doesnt go that far.. and I cant afford the lantus.. because it is wayyyyyyy to expensive... so..... back to no insulin.. no insurance... and life just kicking the crap out of me time and time again... this has gotten to be wayyy tooo much....

I have not been wondering about my decision.. or my health care proxy..but I did expect to live the summer,. doing what I was supposed to do.. and that is not going to happen.  I see an infection happening.. relatively soon.. so we will see how it goes.. but I think the timeline has just been kicked up a notch.

I lost my health insurance

I will lose my health insurance as of June 1, 2010.  That kinda seals the deal. 

Friday, May 14, 2010

Today was the anniversary of my mothers passing

I cleaned this morning... then went to lunch with a friend had 4 rum and cokes.. felt much better came home napped and just woke up. 

It is interesting today of all days I was at peace with my mom.  I thought a great deal about her, and felt amazingly calm.  I miss her, and my father, however the times I had with them were the best times of my life.  I love them both so much.

I told my sister a little bit of my plans today, so she would not be shocked.. when this all occurs.. She was not happy, but was nice about it.

I love my family... but you cant do things for others.. and make choices for others.....it just doesnt work that way.  She is just going to have to understand.

My brother doesnt know..and I doubt he cares to know.. I rarely hear from him.. and his new family is more important than the rest of us.  He doesnt like my illnesses.. and he doesnt like dealing with it.. so.... there is really no point in discussing it with him.

I think he loves me.. but I think I am more bother than I am worth.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

When I stand for what I believe written by ME

When I stand for what I believe, I say a word of thanks

When I make a statement against the way things in this country are going or oppose the government in any statement, I say a word of thanks.

When I stand with my church, and worship the God I believe, I say a word of thanks.

When as a woman I vote, went to school, lived like every other person I say thanks.

I thought of you today, when I saw a mother with her children, able to have assistance, and support during her tough time.

I read a newspaper article criticizing our president and you were foremost in my mind.

I heard a senator claiming we should not fund our war in Iraq, and guess who I think of with every line…

When I visit the cemetery… I think of you..

When I see small businesses start and grow I think of you

When a flag flies I think of you…

When our national anthem is played… it is played for you

Your stories echo in my heart and mind and soul. I never forget a one, from the thing you did that you wish you didn’t, to the child you befriended in Vietnam, Korea, France, or Germany… to losing your friends on that beach or in that jungle. To being in a country we were never in, to the conditions in which you survived. To coming home to a country that made you feel like you were outsiders, to having to take your uniforms off before you got off the plane. None of That will ever be forgotten.

From the stories you tell or the ones you cannot bear to tell… I hear and know and believe. I will never stop listening and never stop thinking. I will tell your stories, and share your pain, so others may see and hear and you can know they have not fallen on deaf ears.

Everything we have is because you made the stand, you made the choice to answer your countries call….

When I see war demonstrators or a flag burned I think of your sacrifice so it all can be.

When I see a baby… I think of you..

And what serving your country cost you…

When I drive in my beautiful Madison county Hills I think of the peace you have given us, at the expense of your own peace.

Memorial Day, Veteran’s Day, D Day are days to honor all of you, But 4th of July is your day as well. It would mean nothing if you had not followed the brothers and sisters before you..

It embarrasses me how some of you have been treated… that as Americans we have not remembered…. BUT KNOW the loud ones who you hear criticize are not us all. Our Hearts and souls are with you… and you are remembered, and thought of simply because you answered the call, and protected us …

Thank you and know you were thought of today..

Before I go.. Author unknown

When my life has reached its very end,
And I take that final breath;
I want to know I've left behind,
Some "good" before my death.

I hope that in my final hour,
In all honesty I can say:
That somewhere in my lifetime,
I have brightened someone's day.

That maybe I have brought a smile
To someone else's face,
And made one moment a little sweeter
While they dwelled here in this place.

Lord, please be my reminder
And whisper softly in my ear ...
To be a "giver," not a "taker,"
In the years I have left here.

Give to me the strength I need,
Open up my mind and my soul . . .
That I might show sincere compassion,
And love to others before I go.

For if not a heart be touched by me,
And not a smile was left behind . . .
Then the life that I am blessed with,
Will have been a waste of time.

With all my heart, I truly hope
To leave something here on earth . . .
That touched another, made them smile
And gave to my life . . . worth

It has been an emotional day

Thinking this process through when you are 37 is difficult. I called Hospice of Utica today. I asked Sharon a lot of questions.. and she made it much easier.

The one thing I realized with my life is I have helped a lot of people, and I have taken care of a lot of people.. and I am okay with what I have done. I am okay with dying at 37 or 38. It is not a problem for me. I have no regrets. I have said everything I needed to say.. done what most said couldnt be done, and am happy with that.

I wish I had been better, but time did not allow for that.

I cant do what I want to do anymore, and that is okay with me.

She told me that if I go in for pain management, and vomiting.to the ER. they will not be able to discharge me, that would be considered an unsafe discharge plan. My doctor could refuse to treat me, however knowing him, he wont.

I do have to stop and say something about my incredible Doctor.

Toby Taylor MD.. is absolutely incredible. He has been with me since 2006. He is amazing, caring, compassionate, not histrionic, and wonderful all in the same breaths. He is smarter than the average bear. He researches, works, and never stops. His staff Laurie, Diane, and Margerite are top noch as well. When I have needed them.. they have been there ... no questions.. no bs.. they are just amazing.. on every level.

I will write more of the amazing Toby Taylor... in the future.. for now to say.. he is just the cats ass.. as far as people go.

I dont want anyone to feel bad over all of this.. I just want to end this rediculous existance I call a life... and it has gotten to be all about doctors.. and pain. and I am SOOOOOOOo tired of the pain.

I talked to my sister a bit today.. she said you are giving up.. I said a little.. I dont want anyone to be hit broad side by this... MJ and I are going to have lunch on friday...... I am happy to be able to talk to him.. and be with him.....

emotions, tears up and down and a fever... doesnt get more intense than that.

I met with one lawyer yesterday

It was incredible. I met with a lawyer yesterday. He agreed to do my health care proxy. He was so nice. He was so calm. He said I know the work you did, and now it is time someone defended you. You have the right to do this. You have the right to do anything they want you to do..I asked how much, and he said.. no charge, consider it my good deed for the day. I was so grateful. I actually started to cry. One person was giving me what I wanted, what I needed, and what I deserved. I felt on cloud nine.

I talked to MF who is my health care proxy. She was like I love and will support you in anyway you like. I know she believes in how I feel, and what I am doing. I know she will stand up to my family, and will not let me down.

I told my girlfriend TT, and she was great about it.. She understands..

I am a little sad this morning.. and I am not sure why.. MN a friend of mine got much more understanding.

I am happy...and it is not leaving this earth that scares me.. it is pushing everyone away when I am living..

We will see... It is rainy and crappy outside.. and I just ate some banana cream pie... and it was fantastic... that helped a little :D

Monday, May 10, 2010

I told a friend today

I told someone today of what my plans were... he said he understood and changed the subject.... THAT is the reaction I would get from anyone who I tell. Okay ... and change the subject... My breath is short today.. and I need to take a shower... I want to end this soon.. I am hoping that my life is better for what is going to occur... I want to live life until I die.. no more hassles, no more crap, no more doctors... and hopefully no more tears.. the more I try and let people in the more sad I become.

My best friend as found what seems to be the love of her life... Where when she had no one.. it was lets go to dinner/ coffee once, twice, three times a week.. I have not seen in her in 3 weeks since she met this man.. I suppose that is status quo.. but it makes me sad, and in one way it makes me glad. She will make it fine when I am gone.. Maybe my life should be now making the people who depend on me.. not depend on me..that would be the best thing I could do

There is so much to say

Just like every other person who feels important, I feel there are many things I want to say to people that I dont. There are the friends whom I listen to on a regular basis, unending ramblings and rants that never seem to end. I listen to their stories of men in their lives, or women in their lives who make them unhappy. I listen to their sadness, their happiness, and their bitches. I wish them well, give them my undivided support, whether I agree with them or not in their choices. I listen to their health complaints, find answers for them then accept it if they choose to ignore me. I listen to them all the time.

However when I do advance to the point of actually wanting to share with them it seems to incredibly backfire. It seems to be well you know what you need to do.. or even worse they have nothing to say. It is making me be distant. I dont want to tell them anything. I dont want to share with them. It is impossible to tell these people my plan that I have now. So I dont. I just dont. I ponder life with these people... I discuss their futures, and they have no idea that I no longer plan on having a future.

I had my first scare last night with lack of insulin.. My blood sugar was 400.. and man I felt awful... I was having a hard time breathing.. So I took 1/2 what I was supposed to take and it helped. I was reading up on diabulimia..

I was a good little diabetic.. I was taking my meds I had reduced my calories to between 6 and 800... and taking 100 units of lantus a day... and NOT dropping a pound. NOW I can eat 2000 calories plus a day and not gain a pound..... I really dont get how the endocrinologist could NOT tell me about the weight gain.. I sit here thinking I am a complete loser... he never told me how high my dose of insulin was.. he never told me how much that was going to cause me to gain weight... WHAT an jerk.. He drilled into me every time I went there that I was going to lose a leg.. I was going to lose my feet.. I had to wear granny shoes.. I had to keep my blood sugars under control, I had to go see a surgeon for my foot, which when I did, told me I was crazy.. and then when I came back and told the endocrinologist what the surgeon said.. he had NO answers for me. He just said keep doing what you are doing...

Sunday, May 9, 2010

The begining of a week, lawyers, therapist,

Well today was not a great day, talked with friends, drank some alieze, smoked some smokes, walked the dog, and all in all want to crawl into a hole.

I dont feel good today, and as with every day I wake up wondering if today is the day that I will get the infection to end my suffering.. but none today.

I see 2 lawyers next week. I am happy about this. Tues at 11 Mr. R, L. and Wed at 2pm Mr. P P...

I see a therapist next week on Tuesday BM... I dont think he knows what to make of me or what to do with me. When you boil this life of mine down to you have depression. I want to tell him to get a grip.. This is so not about depression. It is about not wanting to come back after infections. It is about being on top, and not wanting to build a career again.. It is about sadness in everything I have lost, and wasting of a life. I was happiest in my 20s. My life has gone down hill since then, and now.......... it is just enough. I know that infections will be my demise...

I was on 100 mg of Lantus, and I have stopped that. My blood sugars are 300-500 every day now.. My vision is being blurry.. which I totally expect.. My mood is okay..

I am taking nothing to stop this.. and I want the health care proxy in place to make sure no one can stop me..

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Mothers day once again

GOD I hate this holiday. As a motherless daughter, and a single woman with no children... this holiday proves that if you dont have children you are nothing.

I am glad in one way I didnt have children, I am a sickly person who really had no business reproducing..

I loved my mother, but she died when I was 14. It has been pain and missery ever since. My life sucked not because of my mother, but because she wasnt in my life. Because I never knew a normal childhood, because I was not ment to be on this earth at this time.

I always bought into the fact that I had a purpose on this earth, now I know that is a line of shit that is fed to people to give them a reason to live, when no other exists.

Maybe the world is right if your not a mother you have no value. I certainly have no value left on this earth, I am simply costing money with my health care. I read studies of how much it costs to be a diabetic. I am a waste of money, and I deserve to not be here.. and if my body cooperates my blood sugars will cause infections, and I wil not be much longer... I am living to die... and I know the end will come

Friday, May 7, 2010

The end begins

I have been diagnosed with diabetes since 2001. A recent visit to my endocrinologist and he states you will end up losing a foot, you will end up with more surgery. While he was going on it was like Charlie Browns teacher going wha whaaaaaaa wha whaaaaaaaaaaaaa wha whaaaaaaa

I had a light bulb moment. I dont need to do all the things he said. I dont need to quit smoking, I dont need to take my massive doses of insulin that are making me gain even more weight. I dont have to live like this anymore. I have had a serious infection / that required ventilation, surgery, or something like that every year since 2001. I am tired of it. I have decided to take control of my life, and stop doing it all.

I no longer take my very expensive lantus, or novalog. I am eating whatever I want, and I am seeing a lawyer, to get my health care proxy in place, and paying for my cremation. The biggest part of all this, is I cannot tell anyone, since they will harrass me or leave me. So I will just live until I die. There is a weight that has been lifted off me.

I am happy for the first time in my life. I want freedom from all of this. For the first time I have that and this blog is about the end of my journey at 37. I fully expect to be dead before I reach 38. But I want people to know what that is like, and I want people to understand what they did to be a part of my decision.