About Me

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Utica, New York, United States
I am a woman who fought for peoples rights, and now my illness has taken over.

Friday, May 28, 2010

The infection went away..

It went away.. obviously not my time.. I got my power of attny in the mail.  I am very pleased about that. Things are all set.

I am going to clean a house today.. and hopefully get some more sun.. which has been a wonderful thing.  I played with some kids in the city with a hose yesterday.. it has been so hot.. it felt good.

I am very pleased........

I havent heard from Mark/ Mike all week.. that bothers me a little.. but who knows.. the angry part of me wants to say ..(*&*&(&% it.. and just stop picking up the phone..when they eventually call next week.   I have a vindicitve side that I really despise... so I will fight that urge.. because it is just mean and not worth it

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

woke up with a small infection today

Not sure how that is going to go.. sometimes they are small and go away on their own.. sometimes they go large.. .we will see where this one goes.. if it goes large.. I have about 1 week before I start to get very sick.. if it stays small...  I will be able to share more of what I want to share with everyone.  I may need to kick up blogging a certain level

While planning my funeral .. some amazing things came out

I met with Nancy... from the funeral Home... This was to plan my funeral, so my family will not have to do it.  I am not a huge believer in funerals.  The family the friends standing their crying..or laughing depending on the case .... I just have to take a minute  here to stop and say.. what a kind wonderful woman... Talk about listening to peoples stories- she does this every day.  I was able to sit with her.. and it was over 2 hours.  I have never felt more narcissistic in my life.  She is an amazing caring wonderful strong woman.. I have seen her funerals.  She directs a funeral like a beautifully orchestraited show.  She is amazing in every way. I am sure there things that she does wrong.. dont we all... but this lady is just something.  Her warmth, and kindness just oozes out of her.  The level of respect is something that I almost cannot describe. 

We talked about people who have influenced me in my life.. One director of a very very large agency  is a well like man.  Lou T..   Lou... is a high energy.. high profile.. brilliant businessman.. and a phenominal person on all levels.  I said he taught me so many things... she asked what?.. I laughed and said he told me to shut up LOL

I was in the middle of a political mess, I think I liked to hear my own voice as much as I liked to listen at that point in my life.  I was in his office almost in tears going what do I do?.. He said shut up... Listen more... listen to the motivation behind what people are saying.. not just what they say.  SHUT up  you talk to much.. It was a hard lesson.. but I did ... and I repspected him so much for being like that to me.  He thought 20 steps ahead of where he was... he was just phenominal on every level. 

He was always good to me... He was a champion for all that could not defend themselves... He was strength, and kindness and a very wonderful man.

From most people I can find some wonderful warm quality that makes me love them.. something I learned that was good for the world...

Equal to any other person in my life... Lou T.. tought me probably the most... Shut up... what a wonderful lesson to be.. and those words ( even if not appropriate always- when ever I hear them)... makes me silently smile.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

It has been an interesting weekend.

I went and had dinner with my sister.. took a short walk.. and had a very nice time.  I saw my doctor on Friday.. he gave me some neurotin.. and it has helped with my leg pain very much.  Not sure how it is going to do with migraines.. but at least leg pain is better.

I talked with a friend from Conneticut... who knows me extremely well.. I was telling him of what is going on.. he was extremely supportive...

I called Mike D last night and tonight.. and harrassed the hell out of him.. I said you can be as mean and rude as you want.. and I am still here... so give it your best... I am still going to harrass you... Thats what friends are for... He said.. We are friends? I said absolutey and you dont have a choice... He said it takes two.. I said noooooooo not at all.. I have enough love to go around...

I thought about going to church in Am.. but do not want to go back to Catholic Church.... I am not happy with my priest.. or deacon right now.. and have been away for a while..I thought about going to the church that my doctor goes to.. because he is so wonderful.. I assume it might be a good place to go.

I am not sure where I am at with God right now.. I am not angry.. but so wonder why my life has gone this way.. and why I am ment to be alone.. but at the same time.. I may be living my life by the way friends are on TV.  I dont have this huge circle of friends... but the few I do have are really nice people.

It makes me wonder if friendships are supposed to be like those on TV... My friends are all very different......... and I found out that many of them were part of my position... now that I dont have that position anymore....... I have Mike J, Mike D, Mark N.. Mark H... Kelly... my sister... Melissa... Mary Frances... Terrill..Howie..... they all run in different circles... but they are all good people and all wonderful to me on so many levels.  Maybe I have more than most.. maybe I have less....... but right now I feel very alone.. and very ............ detached from who I am supposed to be........Each one of my friends has a superior quality.. but the ones I miss....... damn.. I miss them are Calvin, Denise..

They both died last year from cancer... after long debilitating illnesses.. and part of me is jealous.. their crap is over.. and the rest of us are left here to deal with all the crap this world has to offer... all the pain and sadness...

I miss the times we went to fairs... and shows.. and shopping.. and lunch and dinner and breakfast..
I miss the hugs.. the calls.. the people who are right there...........I miss them all greatly.