About Me

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Utica, New York, United States
I am a woman who fought for peoples rights, and now my illness has taken over.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Mike D.. am concerned about him...

Today was  good day.. I didnt feel well.. but had time to spend with those I care about.  I see Dr Toby tomorrow.. that will be an interesting conversation.  I am worried about a friend of mine.. Mike D... He seems angry and upset.. and I am not sure why.. I will be checking on him frequently.. to see how he is doing.. but I am very concerned.. He is a very giving young man who works with vets.. and I respect him so much.. and I dont know if he realizes how amazing he is.  I am worried.. that weighs heavy on my heart...I hate to see good people hurting.. I hope he finds peace.. because he is one of my favorite veterans........ and he is an amazing special person who faced horrors in war.. and he carrys that with him...

Other than that.. really felt icky.. but that is nothing new.. my leg pain is driving me bezzzeerk today.. and my headaches are horrific...

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

ANGER the fence story

The old story that I don't know how many times my mother told me.. .

There was a 14 year old boy who said awful nasty things to everyone.  He was angry and took it out on everyone that he met.  One day his father had had enough.. He said every time you say something angry.. I want you to take a hammer and nail and go pound it into the fence.  The kid thought this was completely stupid.. however anger was one thing.. not doing as his father said was another. 

The first day there were 15 nails in that fence.. The second day the same. in fact over the next couple of years there were hundreds of big roofing nails in that fence.  On his 16th birthday he was about sick of nailing nails into that fence.  He said dad.. if I can keep my mouth in check can I please stop.  The father said sort of.  Every time you hold your tongue.. I want you to go take those nails out of that fence.  After a few weeks of doing this.. and putting the used up nails in a bucket hanging on that fence... The boy found it was easier to keep his mouth closed.. and not suffer the ramifications of that fence.  He was a good sport and did it. One day the father called him out to that fence.. and said Lets take the rest of these nails out of this fence together.  So they proceeded to put nail by nail in the bucket.  When it was all said and done.. the father put his arm around the boy and said.. that fence is a mess.  The boy agreed... That was all that was ever said about that fence.. until his 18th birthday... and dad said lets go chat out by the fence...

You are man now... but if you remember nothing else that I have ever told you..

Never forget.. Every nail you put into someone by the mean things you say.. can be taken back..just as we did when we took out those nails..  but the hole that you created although it will get smaller.as you can see they have... . will be there forever and weakened the fence.. and allowed bugs and mold to grow in it.

take a mental picture of those holes... and you will forever hold your tongue like a man should.  NO harm was ever done by listening, but every snide comment, every sarcasm, every mean word.. leaves marks that you cannot see. 

To all the soldiers who have shared their stories with me

I was so honored that you shared your story with me.

I felt the trust, and the pain that you shared brought me to tears.

I hate hearing of how things were done that you cannot reconcile in your own mind.

But I love the fact you told me.
I hate hearing how you looked into that mans eyes, and didn’t speak the same language, but had to stab him and watch the life drain from his eyes, and now you see that in every dream.

The sounds, the smells that you describe I hear and smell in my sleep. I cannot imagine how you must have felt. The fear went away after a while. It didn’t matter if you lived or died, you expected to die.. and once you gained that perspective, you said it got easier…

You miss the brotherhood of the military. Putting your life in someone’s hands, while they put theirs in yours.

That brotherhood does not exist in today’s society according to you. And you miss it.

No one can understand what you did, because you morphed into a different person over there, so you don’t talk about it… but you did with me… and I was so honored.. Serving our country cost you your sense of well being, yet the honor you have still soars through your veins.. I see it in every movement you make.

You came home and drank too much.. said too much.. and got it shot back in your face… so you isolate.. you control your environment.. you feel as though there is no end to the pain you face. I hear you..

That million dollar question.. of did you kill someone.. is the most insane question to ask a soldier… What does that say of society today?.. What does it mean when you go there to keep peach and help.. and the only thing we are concerned about is did you take a life?..

It doesn’t matter the war.. the statements are all the same. The attitudes are even similar.. The pain from the 1940s through the 70s into the 90s and now in 2010.. it is written all over your face. The children you buried.. The faces you had to see.. The mothers and sisters who cried.. the friends you lost… The people you killed…

All I see is a man with a conscience, who cannot believe what he did in the name of war. The sniper who fought so his son would not have to.. cried the day he sent his son off to war… I see your pain.. and I hope you see our love and respect… I hope you see how the sacrifices you have made have NOT been made in vain… You are a hero.. by every standard by every deed.. You make a difference.. even today.. Telling us your story.. may be the only way we will ever see that going to war is not an answer. Don’t hide from us.. tell your story… whatever happened I am proud to have known you.. and proud to say you have become my friend.

finding it important

To tell everyone who ever ment anything to me... how much I thought of them.. loved them or cared about them...that is my goal up until the end

Dr. T

He said he would treat me... I feel so much better .Thank God

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

I let him off the hook

I resigned from my doctor today. He is such a great man on so many levels.  He is an incredible person.  He is Christian.. and a God fearing soul who doesnt preach, but does live what he believes.  He is gentle and kind, and compassionate.  He has been there for me on so many levels. 

I asked him to put me on pain control, and hospice when it becomes necessary.. He said he had to think about it.  I know him well enough to know that he desperately wants to help people.  He doesnt believe in someone so young giving up.. I just cant continue to go on like this. 

So I let him off the hook. I resigned.  I cant make anyone suffer for my choices.  If someone cannot stand by me.. then I have to NOT be selfish.   I cannot ask them to do what they morally cannot do. 

He is a champion of his patients... and that is a wonderful thing.. My road has been long and hard... he has been with me through the brunt of it... and I pray he knows this is not out of anger.. but out of respect for him... and his beliefs.

Hear every persons story

I called an old professor of mine today.  Before all of this goes too far I wanted to sit down and chat with him.  There have been a lot of people that gave me the knowledge and strength to do what I did for homeless, and hungry people, but one of the most influential people that I ever learned from is Dan.  I became "friends" with Dan after I graduated.  He got married has a couple of beautiful children, and I learned so much from this man.  It was my first Jewish wedding and it was sooo incredibly beautiful.

 I have not talked with Dan in a long time, but all I learned from him has helped the thousands  of people in the agency I ran. 

Open your mind, you are not always right, and your beliefs are not that of the people you are necessarily working with.  Do not push your beliefs on others.  Live what you believe.. and if they choose to follow they will have the success.  Help the person but do not lead them.  If they make the decision to do something better for their life.. let them take ownership of it. 

It is not about you.. it is about them.  You are a facilitator in change.. a catalyst.. .Not the person making the change.  He opened my eyes so much I can barely remember what I thought prior to him. 

I have seen therapists, counselors, social workers, case managers bully people and demand, and force change.  It never lasts.  It is almost like they were afraid to educate the people they were working with.  The worker had to keep some knowledge for themselves so they could feel superior to those they were working with.  I can honestly say I was never that way. 

I wanted to educate every client I had in every way possible.  I wanted them to know some basic conflict resolution, as much as they were willing to learn.  I wanted them to know how to sell themselves on a job interview.  I wanted to help them realize that possibilities were endless.  I wanted people to know that how you talk to someone is exactly what you are going to get back from that person.  For example.. try arguing with someone who is saying nothing.  You cant.  It is impossible to have an argument if one of the people is silent.  You cannot win or lose the argument that way.  I wanted them to know how to deescalate any situation they are in. 

Another huge influence in my life was Terrill... One of the most important things she ever taught me was the first person in an argument to raise their voice naturally loses the argument.  When someone can push your buttons you essentially allow them to make you their puppet. 

This also worked well when I was selling radio... there are so many things we can learn from sales people... that apply to life.  In sales anger, frustration are opportunities.  Give the person time to vent, and listen to their story.. you all of of a sudden have a wealth of information into their lives, and attitudes, this gives you a look into what you can offer them to solve their problem.

In the food bank I ran, the biggest goal was to hear each and every persons story.  The greatest thing I learned from my mother was EVERY person has a story, and every persons story deserves to be told, and every persons story is important... and as a human being you are charged with listening to the stories of those around you, and doing what you can to make their life better.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Well it has sunk in

It seems as though the great universe agrees with my decision to be done with all of this.  With no insurance I cant get my insulin.  Without insulin there is really no hope for me.  A type 2 diabetic that doesnt have insulin doesnt stand much of a chance.  I feel oddly sad... I called my therapist, and told him that I am not going to have any more insurance, so I couldnt see him.  I wrote to my Doctor and told him that I am not going to have any more insurance... and I told my sister.. she sounded extremely sad.  This is good in 1 way.. but I had decided to keep taking my insulin until I did get another infection.. which now is not possible.  That truely sucks ... I want to continue being a good little diabetic,... yet... am being told nope.  I looked into healthy NY and it was over 300 I cant afford that.. plus the copays.. money just doesnt go that far.. and I cant afford the lantus.. because it is wayyyyyyy to expensive... so..... back to no insulin.. no insurance... and life just kicking the crap out of me time and time again... this has gotten to be wayyy tooo much....

I have not been wondering about my decision.. or my health care proxy..but I did expect to live the summer,. doing what I was supposed to do.. and that is not going to happen.  I see an infection happening.. relatively soon.. so we will see how it goes.. but I think the timeline has just been kicked up a notch.

I lost my health insurance

I will lose my health insurance as of June 1, 2010.  That kinda seals the deal.