About Me

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Utica, New York, United States
I am a woman who fought for peoples rights, and now my illness has taken over.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Today was the anniversary of my mothers passing

I cleaned this morning... then went to lunch with a friend had 4 rum and cokes.. felt much better came home napped and just woke up. 

It is interesting today of all days I was at peace with my mom.  I thought a great deal about her, and felt amazingly calm.  I miss her, and my father, however the times I had with them were the best times of my life.  I love them both so much.

I told my sister a little bit of my plans today, so she would not be shocked.. when this all occurs.. She was not happy, but was nice about it.

I love my family... but you cant do things for others.. and make choices for others.....it just doesnt work that way.  She is just going to have to understand.

My brother doesnt know..and I doubt he cares to know.. I rarely hear from him.. and his new family is more important than the rest of us.  He doesnt like my illnesses.. and he doesnt like dealing with it.. so.... there is really no point in discussing it with him.

I think he loves me.. but I think I am more bother than I am worth.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

When I stand for what I believe written by ME

When I stand for what I believe, I say a word of thanks

When I make a statement against the way things in this country are going or oppose the government in any statement, I say a word of thanks.

When I stand with my church, and worship the God I believe, I say a word of thanks.

When as a woman I vote, went to school, lived like every other person I say thanks.

I thought of you today, when I saw a mother with her children, able to have assistance, and support during her tough time.

I read a newspaper article criticizing our president and you were foremost in my mind.

I heard a senator claiming we should not fund our war in Iraq, and guess who I think of with every line…

When I visit the cemetery… I think of you..

When I see small businesses start and grow I think of you

When a flag flies I think of you…

When our national anthem is played… it is played for you

Your stories echo in my heart and mind and soul. I never forget a one, from the thing you did that you wish you didn’t, to the child you befriended in Vietnam, Korea, France, or Germany… to losing your friends on that beach or in that jungle. To being in a country we were never in, to the conditions in which you survived. To coming home to a country that made you feel like you were outsiders, to having to take your uniforms off before you got off the plane. None of That will ever be forgotten.

From the stories you tell or the ones you cannot bear to tell… I hear and know and believe. I will never stop listening and never stop thinking. I will tell your stories, and share your pain, so others may see and hear and you can know they have not fallen on deaf ears.

Everything we have is because you made the stand, you made the choice to answer your countries call….

When I see war demonstrators or a flag burned I think of your sacrifice so it all can be.

When I see a baby… I think of you..

And what serving your country cost you…

When I drive in my beautiful Madison county Hills I think of the peace you have given us, at the expense of your own peace.

Memorial Day, Veteran’s Day, D Day are days to honor all of you, But 4th of July is your day as well. It would mean nothing if you had not followed the brothers and sisters before you..

It embarrasses me how some of you have been treated… that as Americans we have not remembered…. BUT KNOW the loud ones who you hear criticize are not us all. Our Hearts and souls are with you… and you are remembered, and thought of simply because you answered the call, and protected us …

Thank you and know you were thought of today..

Before I go.. Author unknown

When my life has reached its very end,
And I take that final breath;
I want to know I've left behind,
Some "good" before my death.

I hope that in my final hour,
In all honesty I can say:
That somewhere in my lifetime,
I have brightened someone's day.

That maybe I have brought a smile
To someone else's face,
And made one moment a little sweeter
While they dwelled here in this place.

Lord, please be my reminder
And whisper softly in my ear ...
To be a "giver," not a "taker,"
In the years I have left here.

Give to me the strength I need,
Open up my mind and my soul . . .
That I might show sincere compassion,
And love to others before I go.

For if not a heart be touched by me,
And not a smile was left behind . . .
Then the life that I am blessed with,
Will have been a waste of time.

With all my heart, I truly hope
To leave something here on earth . . .
That touched another, made them smile
And gave to my life . . . worth

It has been an emotional day

Thinking this process through when you are 37 is difficult. I called Hospice of Utica today. I asked Sharon a lot of questions.. and she made it much easier.

The one thing I realized with my life is I have helped a lot of people, and I have taken care of a lot of people.. and I am okay with what I have done. I am okay with dying at 37 or 38. It is not a problem for me. I have no regrets. I have said everything I needed to say.. done what most said couldnt be done, and am happy with that.

I wish I had been better, but time did not allow for that.

I cant do what I want to do anymore, and that is okay with me.

She told me that if I go in for pain management, and vomiting.to the ER. they will not be able to discharge me, that would be considered an unsafe discharge plan. My doctor could refuse to treat me, however knowing him, he wont.

I do have to stop and say something about my incredible Doctor.

Toby Taylor MD.. is absolutely incredible. He has been with me since 2006. He is amazing, caring, compassionate, not histrionic, and wonderful all in the same breaths. He is smarter than the average bear. He researches, works, and never stops. His staff Laurie, Diane, and Margerite are top noch as well. When I have needed them.. they have been there ... no questions.. no bs.. they are just amazing.. on every level.

I will write more of the amazing Toby Taylor... in the future.. for now to say.. he is just the cats ass.. as far as people go.

I dont want anyone to feel bad over all of this.. I just want to end this rediculous existance I call a life... and it has gotten to be all about doctors.. and pain. and I am SOOOOOOOo tired of the pain.

I talked to my sister a bit today.. she said you are giving up.. I said a little.. I dont want anyone to be hit broad side by this... MJ and I are going to have lunch on friday...... I am happy to be able to talk to him.. and be with him.....

emotions, tears up and down and a fever... doesnt get more intense than that.

I met with one lawyer yesterday

It was incredible. I met with a lawyer yesterday. He agreed to do my health care proxy. He was so nice. He was so calm. He said I know the work you did, and now it is time someone defended you. You have the right to do this. You have the right to do anything they want you to do..I asked how much, and he said.. no charge, consider it my good deed for the day. I was so grateful. I actually started to cry. One person was giving me what I wanted, what I needed, and what I deserved. I felt on cloud nine.

I talked to MF who is my health care proxy. She was like I love and will support you in anyway you like. I know she believes in how I feel, and what I am doing. I know she will stand up to my family, and will not let me down.

I told my girlfriend TT, and she was great about it.. She understands..

I am a little sad this morning.. and I am not sure why.. MN a friend of mine got much more understanding.

I am happy...and it is not leaving this earth that scares me.. it is pushing everyone away when I am living..

We will see... It is rainy and crappy outside.. and I just ate some banana cream pie... and it was fantastic... that helped a little :D

Monday, May 10, 2010

I told a friend today

I told someone today of what my plans were... he said he understood and changed the subject.... THAT is the reaction I would get from anyone who I tell. Okay ... and change the subject... My breath is short today.. and I need to take a shower... I want to end this soon.. I am hoping that my life is better for what is going to occur... I want to live life until I die.. no more hassles, no more crap, no more doctors... and hopefully no more tears.. the more I try and let people in the more sad I become.

My best friend as found what seems to be the love of her life... Where when she had no one.. it was lets go to dinner/ coffee once, twice, three times a week.. I have not seen in her in 3 weeks since she met this man.. I suppose that is status quo.. but it makes me sad, and in one way it makes me glad. She will make it fine when I am gone.. Maybe my life should be now making the people who depend on me.. not depend on me..that would be the best thing I could do

There is so much to say

Just like every other person who feels important, I feel there are many things I want to say to people that I dont. There are the friends whom I listen to on a regular basis, unending ramblings and rants that never seem to end. I listen to their stories of men in their lives, or women in their lives who make them unhappy. I listen to their sadness, their happiness, and their bitches. I wish them well, give them my undivided support, whether I agree with them or not in their choices. I listen to their health complaints, find answers for them then accept it if they choose to ignore me. I listen to them all the time.

However when I do advance to the point of actually wanting to share with them it seems to incredibly backfire. It seems to be well you know what you need to do.. or even worse they have nothing to say. It is making me be distant. I dont want to tell them anything. I dont want to share with them. It is impossible to tell these people my plan that I have now. So I dont. I just dont. I ponder life with these people... I discuss their futures, and they have no idea that I no longer plan on having a future.

I had my first scare last night with lack of insulin.. My blood sugar was 400.. and man I felt awful... I was having a hard time breathing.. So I took 1/2 what I was supposed to take and it helped. I was reading up on diabulimia..

I was a good little diabetic.. I was taking my meds I had reduced my calories to between 6 and 800... and taking 100 units of lantus a day... and NOT dropping a pound. NOW I can eat 2000 calories plus a day and not gain a pound..... I really dont get how the endocrinologist could NOT tell me about the weight gain.. I sit here thinking I am a complete loser... he never told me how high my dose of insulin was.. he never told me how much that was going to cause me to gain weight... WHAT an jerk.. He drilled into me every time I went there that I was going to lose a leg.. I was going to lose my feet.. I had to wear granny shoes.. I had to keep my blood sugars under control, I had to go see a surgeon for my foot, which when I did, told me I was crazy.. and then when I came back and told the endocrinologist what the surgeon said.. he had NO answers for me. He just said keep doing what you are doing...

Sunday, May 9, 2010

The begining of a week, lawyers, therapist,

Well today was not a great day, talked with friends, drank some alieze, smoked some smokes, walked the dog, and all in all want to crawl into a hole.

I dont feel good today, and as with every day I wake up wondering if today is the day that I will get the infection to end my suffering.. but none today.

I see 2 lawyers next week. I am happy about this. Tues at 11 Mr. R, L. and Wed at 2pm Mr. P P...

I see a therapist next week on Tuesday BM... I dont think he knows what to make of me or what to do with me. When you boil this life of mine down to you have depression. I want to tell him to get a grip.. This is so not about depression. It is about not wanting to come back after infections. It is about being on top, and not wanting to build a career again.. It is about sadness in everything I have lost, and wasting of a life. I was happiest in my 20s. My life has gone down hill since then, and now.......... it is just enough. I know that infections will be my demise...

I was on 100 mg of Lantus, and I have stopped that. My blood sugars are 300-500 every day now.. My vision is being blurry.. which I totally expect.. My mood is okay..

I am taking nothing to stop this.. and I want the health care proxy in place to make sure no one can stop me..