About Me

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Utica, New York, United States
I am a woman who fought for peoples rights, and now my illness has taken over.

Monday, May 10, 2010

There is so much to say

Just like every other person who feels important, I feel there are many things I want to say to people that I dont. There are the friends whom I listen to on a regular basis, unending ramblings and rants that never seem to end. I listen to their stories of men in their lives, or women in their lives who make them unhappy. I listen to their sadness, their happiness, and their bitches. I wish them well, give them my undivided support, whether I agree with them or not in their choices. I listen to their health complaints, find answers for them then accept it if they choose to ignore me. I listen to them all the time.

However when I do advance to the point of actually wanting to share with them it seems to incredibly backfire. It seems to be well you know what you need to do.. or even worse they have nothing to say. It is making me be distant. I dont want to tell them anything. I dont want to share with them. It is impossible to tell these people my plan that I have now. So I dont. I just dont. I ponder life with these people... I discuss their futures, and they have no idea that I no longer plan on having a future.

I had my first scare last night with lack of insulin.. My blood sugar was 400.. and man I felt awful... I was having a hard time breathing.. So I took 1/2 what I was supposed to take and it helped. I was reading up on diabulimia..

I was a good little diabetic.. I was taking my meds I had reduced my calories to between 6 and 800... and taking 100 units of lantus a day... and NOT dropping a pound. NOW I can eat 2000 calories plus a day and not gain a pound..... I really dont get how the endocrinologist could NOT tell me about the weight gain.. I sit here thinking I am a complete loser... he never told me how high my dose of insulin was.. he never told me how much that was going to cause me to gain weight... WHAT an jerk.. He drilled into me every time I went there that I was going to lose a leg.. I was going to lose my feet.. I had to wear granny shoes.. I had to keep my blood sugars under control, I had to go see a surgeon for my foot, which when I did, told me I was crazy.. and then when I came back and told the endocrinologist what the surgeon said.. he had NO answers for me. He just said keep doing what you are doing...

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