About Me

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Utica, New York, United States
I am a woman who fought for peoples rights, and now my illness has taken over.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Mothers day once again

GOD I hate this holiday. As a motherless daughter, and a single woman with no children... this holiday proves that if you dont have children you are nothing.

I am glad in one way I didnt have children, I am a sickly person who really had no business reproducing..

I loved my mother, but she died when I was 14. It has been pain and missery ever since. My life sucked not because of my mother, but because she wasnt in my life. Because I never knew a normal childhood, because I was not ment to be on this earth at this time.

I always bought into the fact that I had a purpose on this earth, now I know that is a line of shit that is fed to people to give them a reason to live, when no other exists.

Maybe the world is right if your not a mother you have no value. I certainly have no value left on this earth, I am simply costing money with my health care. I read studies of how much it costs to be a diabetic. I am a waste of money, and I deserve to not be here.. and if my body cooperates my blood sugars will cause infections, and I wil not be much longer... I am living to die... and I know the end will come

Friday, May 7, 2010

The end begins

I have been diagnosed with diabetes since 2001. A recent visit to my endocrinologist and he states you will end up losing a foot, you will end up with more surgery. While he was going on it was like Charlie Browns teacher going wha whaaaaaaa wha whaaaaaaaaaaaaa wha whaaaaaaa

I had a light bulb moment. I dont need to do all the things he said. I dont need to quit smoking, I dont need to take my massive doses of insulin that are making me gain even more weight. I dont have to live like this anymore. I have had a serious infection / that required ventilation, surgery, or something like that every year since 2001. I am tired of it. I have decided to take control of my life, and stop doing it all.

I no longer take my very expensive lantus, or novalog. I am eating whatever I want, and I am seeing a lawyer, to get my health care proxy in place, and paying for my cremation. The biggest part of all this, is I cannot tell anyone, since they will harrass me or leave me. So I will just live until I die. There is a weight that has been lifted off me.

I am happy for the first time in my life. I want freedom from all of this. For the first time I have that and this blog is about the end of my journey at 37. I fully expect to be dead before I reach 38. But I want people to know what that is like, and I want people to understand what they did to be a part of my decision.