I met with one lawyer yesterday

It was incredible. I met with a lawyer yesterday. He agreed to do my health care proxy. He was so nice. He was so calm. He said I know the work you did, and now it is time someone defended you. You have the right to do this. You have the right to do anything they want you to do..I asked how much, and he said.. no charge, consider it my good deed for the day. I was so grateful. I actually started to cry. One person was giving me what I wanted, what I needed, and what I deserved. I felt on cloud nine.


I talked to MF who is my health care proxy. She was like I love and will support you in anyway you like. I know she believes in how I feel, and what I am doing. I know she will stand up to my family, and will not let me down.

I told my girlfriend TT, and she was great about it.. She understands..

I am a little sad this morning.. and I am not sure why.. MN a friend of mine got much more understanding.

I am happy...and it is not leaving this earth that scares me.. it is pushing everyone away when I am living..

We will see... It is rainy and crappy outside.. and I just ate some banana cream pie... and it was fantastic... that helped a little :D

The begining of a week, lawyers, therapist,

Well today was not a great day, talked with friends, drank some alieze, smoked some smokes, walked the dog, and all in all want to crawl into a hole.

I dont feel good today, and as with every day I wake up wondering if today is the day that I will get the infection to end my suffering.. but none today.

I see 2 lawyers next week. I am happy about this. Tues at 11 Mr. R, L. and Wed at 2pm Mr. P P...

I see a therapist next week on Tuesday BM... I dont think he knows what to make of me or what to do with me. When you boil this life of mine down to you have depression. I want to tell him to get a grip.. This is so not about depression. It is about not wanting to come back after infections. It is about being on top, and not wanting to build a career again.. It is about sadness in everything I have lost, and wasting of a life. I was happiest in my 20s. My life has gone down hill since then, and now.......... it is just enough. I know that infections will be my demise...

I was on 100 mg of Lantus, and I have stopped that. My blood sugars are 300-500 every day now.. My vision is being blurry.. which I totally expect.. My mood is okay..

I am taking nothing to stop this.. and I want the health care proxy in place to make sure no one can stop me..