Today was the anniversary of my mothers passing

I cleaned this morning... then went to lunch with a friend had 4 rum and cokes.. felt much better came home napped and just woke up. 

It is interesting today of all days I was at peace with my mom.  I thought a great deal about her, and felt amazingly calm.  I miss her, and my father, however the times I had with them were the best times of my life.  I love them both so much.

I told my sister a little bit of my plans today, so she would not be shocked.. when this all occurs.. She was not happy, but was nice about it.

I love my family... but you cant do things for others.. and make choices for others.....it just doesnt work that way.  She is just going to have to understand.

My brother doesnt know..and I doubt he cares to know.. I rarely hear from him.. and his new family is more important than the rest of us.  He doesnt like my illnesses.. and he doesnt like dealing with it.. so.... there is really no point in discussing it with him.

I think he loves me.. but I think I am more bother than I am worth.

It has been an emotional day

Thinking this process through when you are 37 is difficult. I called Hospice of Utica today. I asked Sharon a lot of questions.. and she made it much easier.

The one thing I realized with my life is I have helped a lot of people, and I have taken care of a lot of people.. and I am okay with what I have done. I am okay with dying at 37 or 38. It is not a problem for me. I have no regrets. I have said everything I needed to say.. done what most said couldnt be done, and am happy with that.

I wish I had been better, but time did not allow for that.

I cant do what I want to do anymore, and that is okay with me.

She told me that if I go in for pain management, and vomiting.to the ER. they will not be able to discharge me, that would be considered an unsafe discharge plan. My doctor could refuse to treat me, however knowing him, he wont.

I do have to stop and say something about my incredible Doctor.

Toby Taylor MD.. is absolutely incredible. He has been with me since 2006. He is amazing, caring, compassionate, not histrionic, and wonderful all in the same breaths. He is smarter than the average bear. He researches, works, and never stops. His staff Laurie, Diane, and Margerite are top noch as well. When I have needed them.. they have been there ... no questions.. no bs.. they are just amazing.. on every level.

I will write more of the amazing Toby Taylor... in the future.. for now to say.. he is just the cats ass.. as far as people go.


I dont want anyone to feel bad over all of this.. I just want to end this rediculous existance I call a life... and it has gotten to be all about doctors.. and pain. and I am SOOOOOOOo tired of the pain.

I talked to my sister a bit today.. she said you are giving up.. I said a little.. I dont want anyone to be hit broad side by this... MJ and I are going to have lunch on friday...... I am happy to be able to talk to him.. and be with him.....


emotions, tears up and down and a fever... doesnt get more intense than that.