The begining of a week, lawyers, therapist,

Well today was not a great day, talked with friends, drank some alieze, smoked some smokes, walked the dog, and all in all want to crawl into a hole.

I dont feel good today, and as with every day I wake up wondering if today is the day that I will get the infection to end my suffering.. but none today.

I see 2 lawyers next week. I am happy about this. Tues at 11 Mr. R, L. and Wed at 2pm Mr. P P...

I see a therapist next week on Tuesday BM... I dont think he knows what to make of me or what to do with me. When you boil this life of mine down to you have depression. I want to tell him to get a grip.. This is so not about depression. It is about not wanting to come back after infections. It is about being on top, and not wanting to build a career again.. It is about sadness in everything I have lost, and wasting of a life. I was happiest in my 20s. My life has gone down hill since then, and now.......... it is just enough. I know that infections will be my demise...

I was on 100 mg of Lantus, and I have stopped that. My blood sugars are 300-500 every day now.. My vision is being blurry.. which I totally expect.. My mood is okay..

I am taking nothing to stop this.. and I want the health care proxy in place to make sure no one can stop me..

The end begins

I have been diagnosed with diabetes since 2001. A recent visit to my endocrinologist and he states you will end up losing a foot, you will end up with more surgery. While he was going on it was like Charlie Browns teacher going wha whaaaaaaa wha whaaaaaaaaaaaaa wha whaaaaaaa

I had a light bulb moment. I dont need to do all the things he said. I dont need to quit smoking, I dont need to take my massive doses of insulin that are making me gain even more weight. I dont have to live like this anymore. I have had a serious infection / that required ventilation, surgery, or something like that every year since 2001. I am tired of it. I have decided to take control of my life, and stop doing it all.

I no longer take my very expensive lantus, or novalog. I am eating whatever I want, and I am seeing a lawyer, to get my health care proxy in place, and paying for my cremation. The biggest part of all this, is I cannot tell anyone, since they will harrass me or leave me. So I will just live until I die. There is a weight that has been lifted off me.

I am happy for the first time in my life. I want freedom from all of this. For the first time I have that and this blog is about the end of my journey at 37. I fully expect to be dead before I reach 38. But I want people to know what that is like, and I want people to understand what they did to be a part of my decision.