frustration

Connecting with long lost friends is something that I have made a point to be doing lately.  I have been battling infections left and right.. but nothing is occuring because of them.. this is frustraiting to me.  My joints are feeling awful.. and am back to not knowing what is going to occur...

My sister had to put her dog down, which was sad, but she needed it.. she was old and beyond help, and of course didnt understand why things were the way they were.  Of course I realized that even when you understand what is going on it often doesnt make things better. 

I found out a dear friend of years ago has cancer.  She was a dynamic woman who didnt let anything stop her, now cancer will. 

It is frustraiting to be in this "inbetween" stage of life.  I live every day, but am not sure why.  I think that frustratation is something that you learn to live with, but it doesnt make it any easier to deal with... I am rambling in my own head, and obviously on paper here. 

death, pain, illness seems to be the thing of the month in June...

My fathers anniversery was June 21.. I thought about him all day.. we buried him on June 25 my parents anniversary...

To think that I will see them again relatively soon is giving me peace.  I miss them terribly .. and I miss the love they had for all those around them.. amazing people... and amazing abilities to love is something I find lost on todays society.

I did it my way... and GOD this song is me...

I have regrets about things that have occured.  I will say this.. I always did it my way just like my father did.  I made a lot of mistakes and I wish to God I had not... but and a bigggg but... no one ever told me how to live my life.. and everything I did.. I did to make someones life better !!!!

SO between Keith V. Strong, My father... this song is so for you.. His anniversary is June 21... and we buried you on June 25... DAD I did it my way just like you said


My Way lyrics


Songwriters: Revaux, Jacques; Anka, Paul (Eng Lyr); Thibaut, Gilles; Francois, Claude;

And now the end is near

And so I face the final curtain

My friend I'll say it clear

I'll state my case of which I'm certain



I've lived a life that's full

I traveled each and every highway

And more, much more than this

I did it my way



Regrets I've had a few

But then again too few to mention

I did what I had to do

And saw it through without exemption



I planned each charted course

Each careful step along the byway

And more, much more than this

I did it my way



Yes there were times I'm sure you knew

When I bit off more than I could chew

But through it all when there was doubt

I ate it up and spit it out, I faced it all

And I stood tall and did it my way



I've loved, I've laughed and cried

I've had my fill, my share of losing

And now as tears subside

I find it all so amusing



To think I did all that

And may I say not in a shy way

Oh no, oh no, not me

I did it my way



For what is a man what has he got

If not himself then he has not

To say the things he truly feels

And not the words of one who kneels

The record shows I took the blows

And did it my way



Yes it was my way

I have another infection

I never know if these will resolve themselves on their own...... or this will be the one that gets me...... so the idea was to keep living until I cant........

I am begining to write letters to all the people that I love.. that I dont really talk to anymore.. You know the ones you lose touch with.........

I am putting them in my drafts.. and the day I go into the hospital I will send them... Mostly they are people I need to thank for all they have done for me throughout the years.  Many of them are people I love and respect... and have huge character....... I am crying as I write them....... I am sad.. not because of what may be coming.. but that it is coming so soon.  I really had every intention of living the summer...... and being able to do all the things I love to do........but that may or may not happen..... I am also begining to pack things up in my apartment.. so whoever comes to clean out my things will not have so much to do........

I am spending every waking moment in the sun since I love it so much...... it feels so good and helps to alleviate some of the pain........

I still dont know what I am going to do with Missy...... she is a great dog.. and I am hoping someone takes her....... she is my only regret........ I will miss her terribly and I know she will miss me..........something I really cant think about... My shepherds found a great new home.... and I am sure she will too.....

It rained today and my mood is showing it....... tomorrow will be sunny again.... that is a great thing :D

I wrote 5 letters tonight.. will try and write a few every night....... I met with the funeral Home last week...... Nancy Eannace.. is a wonderful woman.  She spent a few hours with me..... and made me think.

The infection went away..

It went away.. obviously not my time.. I got my power of attny in the mail.  I am very pleased about that. Things are all set.

I am going to clean a house today.. and hopefully get some more sun.. which has been a wonderful thing.  I played with some kids in the city with a hose yesterday.. it has been so hot.. it felt good.

I am very pleased........

I havent heard from Mark/ Mike all week.. that bothers me a little.. but who knows.. the angry part of me wants to say ..(*&*&(&% it.. and just stop picking up the phone..when they eventually call next week.   I have a vindicitve side that I really despise... so I will fight that urge.. because it is just mean and not worth it

woke up with a small infection today

Not sure how that is going to go.. sometimes they are small and go away on their own.. sometimes they go large.. .we will see where this one goes.. if it goes large.. I have about 1 week before I start to get very sick.. if it stays small...  I will be able to share more of what I want to share with everyone.  I may need to kick up blogging a certain level

While planning my funeral .. some amazing things came out

I met with Nancy... from the funeral Home... This was to plan my funeral, so my family will not have to do it.  I am not a huge believer in funerals.  The family the friends standing their crying..or laughing depending on the case .... I just have to take a minute  here to stop and say.. what a kind wonderful woman... Talk about listening to peoples stories- she does this every day.  I was able to sit with her.. and it was over 2 hours.  I have never felt more narcissistic in my life.  She is an amazing caring wonderful strong woman.. I have seen her funerals.  She directs a funeral like a beautifully orchestraited show.  She is amazing in every way. I am sure there things that she does wrong.. dont we all... but this lady is just something.  Her warmth, and kindness just oozes out of her.  The level of respect is something that I almost cannot describe. 

We talked about people who have influenced me in my life.. One director of a very very large agency  is a well like man.  Lou T..   Lou... is a high energy.. high profile.. brilliant businessman.. and a phenominal person on all levels.  I said he taught me so many things... she asked what?.. I laughed and said he told me to shut up LOL

I was in the middle of a political mess, I think I liked to hear my own voice as much as I liked to listen at that point in my life.  I was in his office almost in tears going what do I do?.. He said shut up... Listen more... listen to the motivation behind what people are saying.. not just what they say.  SHUT up  you talk to much.. It was a hard lesson.. but I did ... and I repspected him so much for being like that to me.  He thought 20 steps ahead of where he was... he was just phenominal on every level. 

He was always good to me... He was a champion for all that could not defend themselves... He was strength, and kindness and a very wonderful man.

From most people I can find some wonderful warm quality that makes me love them.. something I learned that was good for the world...


Equal to any other person in my life... Lou T.. tought me probably the most... Shut up... what a wonderful lesson to be.. and those words ( even if not appropriate always- when ever I hear them)... makes me silently smile.

It has been an interesting weekend.

I went and had dinner with my sister.. took a short walk.. and had a very nice time.  I saw my doctor on Friday.. he gave me some neurotin.. and it has helped with my leg pain very much.  Not sure how it is going to do with migraines.. but at least leg pain is better.

I talked with a friend from Conneticut... who knows me extremely well.. I was telling him of what is going on.. he was extremely supportive...

I called Mike D last night and tonight.. and harrassed the hell out of him.. I said you can be as mean and rude as you want.. and I am still here... so give it your best... I am still going to harrass you... Thats what friends are for... He said.. We are friends? I said absolutey and you dont have a choice... He said it takes two.. I said noooooooo not at all.. I have enough love to go around...

I thought about going to church in Am.. but do not want to go back to Catholic Church.... I am not happy with my priest.. or deacon right now.. and have been away for a while..I thought about going to the church that my doctor goes to.. because he is so wonderful.. I assume it might be a good place to go.

I am not sure where I am at with God right now.. I am not angry.. but so wonder why my life has gone this way.. and why I am ment to be alone.. but at the same time.. I may be living my life by the way friends are on TV.  I dont have this huge circle of friends... but the few I do have are really nice people.

It makes me wonder if friendships are supposed to be like those on TV... My friends are all very different......... and I found out that many of them were part of my position... now that I dont have that position anymore....... I have Mike J, Mike D, Mark N.. Mark H... Kelly... my sister... Melissa... Mary Frances... Terrill..Howie..... they all run in different circles... but they are all good people and all wonderful to me on so many levels.  Maybe I have more than most.. maybe I have less....... but right now I feel very alone.. and very ............ detached from who I am supposed to be........Each one of my friends has a superior quality.. but the ones I miss....... damn.. I miss them are Calvin, Denise..

They both died last year from cancer... after long debilitating illnesses.. and part of me is jealous.. their crap is over.. and the rest of us are left here to deal with all the crap this world has to offer... all the pain and sadness...

I miss the times we went to fairs... and shows.. and shopping.. and lunch and dinner and breakfast..
I miss the hugs.. the calls.. the people who are right there...........I miss them all greatly.